Amy Winehouse is back in the headlines this week for all the wrong reasons. She’s in bits about her husband’s arrest, she’s argued with booing fans during a gig, and her trusted manager has quit. As she spends her six-month wedding anniversary alone, we implore Amy to make some changes in her life…
Dump your husband!
We’re sorry to say it, Amy, but your fans, your friends and even your family think your husband is a bad influence on you. Mother Janis Winehouse claims it was Blake who introduced Amy to class-A drugs and says she is thankful he is currently behind bars and away from her daughter. “I think he introduced her to them and now she thinks, ‘Oh, this is good, this is OK.’ I think she’s still a child. Personally, I think it’s overtaken her a bit,” Mrs Winehouse said. “Thank God he’s gone inside.”
Blake’s mother, Georgette Civil, seems to agree: “Blake and Amy are like two separate accidents waiting to happen. Their meeting simply exacerbated everything that was wrong in their lives to the verge of tragedy.”
Amy, you’ve been forced to spend your six-month wedding anniversary on your own as your husband sits behind bars for allegedly attempting to fix the result of an assault case. Wake up, woman! You’re an award-winning chart topper with a knock-out voice – you deserve better. As soon as you realise that and send Blake packing, you’ll be happier, like someone who’s had a boil removed from their bottom.
Respect your fans
This one’s a golden rule for all bands and artists, Amy, and you shouldn’t really need reminding of it – you must respect your fans. After all, they’re the ones that buy your albums, turn a blind eye to your bad behaviour, and pray that you’ll get well soon.
But if the first gig on your current UK tour is anything to go by, even your diehard fans are turning against you. During the shambolic show in Birmingham, you threatened fans who booed after you said Blake’s name: “First of all, if you’re booing you’re a mug for buying a ticket. Second to all the people booing – just wait till my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that.” Don’t turn on your fans, Amy; just concentrate on making your UK tour a success. That’s the best way to silence the critics.
Beat your eating disorder
Even though you insisted you’d beaten your eating disorder in 2006, it doesn’t look like much good stuff is getting past your lips at the moment. You’re worryingly thin and, according to the News of the World, even Blake is worried about your eating habits. The newspaper reports that Blake is concerned that bulimia could end up taking your life unless you change your ways. Three prison meals a day have helped him put on weight and he feels healthier than he has in years. We’re certainly not suggesting you treat Blake as a role model, but he’s got a point about this one. Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, after all.
Get your manager back
Just a day after the nightmare gig in Birmingham, your long-time manager quit, allegedly because his health was being ruined by your drug taking. According to reports, Thom Stone walked out after a doctor found traces of heroin in his system after he passively inhaled it on the tour bus! You’re one of the biggest artists in the world, Amy – you’ve won loads of awards and everyone from Prince to George Michael wants to work with you – so we suggest you get on the phone, apologise for your bad behaviour and beg your manager to come back. Either that or get Sharon Osbourne to manage your career instead!
Come clean to your family
It’s time to come clean to your family about all aspects of your drug taking. Even brother Alex is in denial over how serious your problem is: “If you look through history, that’s the way it is for artists a lot of the time. For many artists to achieve great works of art, they have to struggle,” he said. “They’re free spirits and you have to respect that, otherwise it would be a very dull world to live in.” Erm, that’s all very poetic but why the hell isn’t he worried?! Alex should be keeping a very close eye on his troubled younger sister rather than making excuses for her self-destructive ways.
Move out of colourful Camden
Camden in north London might be a haven for creative types, but it’s also a magnet for drinking, drug-taking and debauchery. Your home is in the middle of this colourful area, with all its temptations. Follow Kate Moss’s lead and get yourself a country pile in the Cotswolds, away from the bright lights of the big city. Perhaps you could invite your new best mate Pete Doherty around for a jam – he could do with a fresh start outside London too. As long as there’s nothing harder than caffeine on the menu, mind.
Make more music
You were due to start work on your new album in late-October with uber-producer Mark Ronson, but it appears you’ve been too busy having a meltdown instead. Pull yourself together, Amy Winehouse! If you waste the opportunity to create a masterpiece with man-of-the-moment Mark Ronson, and end up slapping together a load of twaddle instead because you were wasted, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life (well, as soon as you sober up!). Don’t throw your career away, Amy. You’re too good.